Letters To Wash
by LittleMoonLover
Summary: A series of letters from Zoe to Wash spanning several years and detailing how their daughter is growing up, the current lives of the crew of the Firefly, and Zoe's own healing from losing the love of her life.
1. I

**Year 1**

* * *

My dearest Wash,

It's been almost a year since you've been gone. Dead. You're dead. At first I was desolate, I couldn't handle being without you and I couldn't even go near the control room of Serenity because I kept expecting you to poke your head out and crack some silly joke just to make me smile.

I still avoid it as much as possible, River has completely taken over in that area and I daresay she keeps this ship in better shape than even you did. She's a bit meticulous but I think that it helps keep some of her more interesting eccentricities at bay.

It also keeps the Captain happy. Mal's been happier these days, following the events of what we experienced on Miranda he and Inara decided that it would be stupider to not be a couple than to be one and they've-more or less-been together ever since. Though they still fight, boy do they fight, over anything and everything. In fact as i'm writing this they are fighting in the next room about painting the ship. Inara thinks a fresh coat of paint will do them good and bring in business but Mal likes it just the way it is. It's silly really but I think it keeps things fresh between them.

Then there's Cobb, Simon, and Kaylee. Simon is still on board the ship eight months out of the year, it was hard for him to get stable work at a regular hospital after everything that went down. But that doesn't stop people from callin' on him to get a consult. It drives Kaylee nuts when he's off ship and she tends to tinker more with Serenity during those weeks which in turn drives Mal up the wall.

Cobb… well Cobb is still Cobb. He's still a greedy idiot most days but I can't deny that he's good with Emma.

Emma. How do I even begin to explain. I'm sure you're on some other plain-you always did believe in heaven-and you know all about her. But I feel like I need to introduce you to her anyways. Emma is about four months old now and let me tell you Wash I more surprised than I'd ever been when I found out that I was pregnant. Then I got mad, so mad that we'd been trying for such a long time only to succeed after you'd left me. Believe me sweetheart I cursed a blue streak at you when I found out. I was so alone and we were still in danger I didn't know how we were going to survive the mess we were in.

But we did and somehow Emma being born healed me in more ways than one. She is the light of all things good on this ship, I didn't think I'd be able to stay in such a dangerous environment but Mal insisted-he even safety proofed the ship with all these silly styrofoam tubes so that when Emma begins to toddle around she doesn't fall on anything sharp. It looks ridiculous but the boys were so proud of themselves that I didn't have the heart to tell them that when Emma gets older I will be moving off the ship so that Emma can have a stable life.

Oh how I miss you Wash. If you were here we could talk about so many things and make decisions about our child together. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and I'm still groggy I almost believe that if I roll over I'll come face-to-face with your big old nose and give it a kiss… that never happens though. I just hope that somehow all of these letters to you will give me a sense of comfort. I'm not sure. But it almost feels like I'm able to talk to you again.

All my love,

Your Zoe

* * *

**Author's Note: **

**So I've had this idea rattling around in my head for quite sometime now about a series of letters from Zoe to Wash as their daughter grows up. It'll give some insight to the rest of the crew of Serenity as well but I really want to show Zoe's healing process and how her life without Wash develops. **

**These will be rather short and some of them will have two in one. There's not really any plot or anything like that but I hope you enjoy these nonetheless. **

**-LittleMoonLover-**


	2. II

**Year 2**

* * *

My dearest Wash,

It's been awhile since I've written to you, it hasn't been because I've been too busy-which I have-but it's because I didn't want to write to you unless something big happened. It's almost two weeks after Emma's first birthday and today she took her first steps. I almost missed it, I was in the cockpit arguing with River about keeping it clean when Cobb came rushing in out of breath looking like he'd ran a mile only to tell me that she was starting to try to walk.

Sweetheart, when I tell you that everyone on that darned ship ran for Emma's nursery I am not lying to you. We were all crammed in to her tiny little room as she pulled herself up with the bars of the crib and took her first few awkward steps.

She then did a fantastic face plant which ended in her crying for a few minutes while mommy rubbed kissed her nose better and Mal declaring that he was going to babyproof the floor with styrofoam. Kaylee and River stayed behind while Inara tried to calm the boys down and River remarked about how early it was for Emma to be walking and that she was advanced. You hear that Wash? Our baby is advanced. I always knew any child of ours would be twice as smart as we ever were. Which is why it is doubly important for her to be in a good school.

I brought that piece of information up with Mal last month and he got real quiet and didn't reply. It'll be fine though, I know it. I mean everyone has got a few years at least before we even have to think about it. But I do know that Emma needs a safer life that what I can provide on this ship.

I still miss you. It's not as bad as before. Before it was this sharp ache that wouldn't seem to ever go away. Now it feels like a big throbbing hole. Not much of an improvement but it's still better.

All my love,

Your Zoe

* * *

**Year 4**

* * *

My dearest Wash,

Wash I wish you were here in this very moment… to keep me from strangling our child. She's only three years old and she already has enough sass to push me past the breaking point.

This morning I was fixing her breakfast and she decided that she didn't want that, that she wanted the eggs that she had when her Uncle Simon took her into one of his big fancy cities. I told her that she'd better eat what I gave her and she proceeded to swat her bowl of food off the table and onto the floor! I swear in that moment I've never been so mad! I very nearly gave her a swat myself, but then I remembered you telling me how your daddy used to hit you and I stopped. I got sad after that and after sending Emma to her room I went back to ours… mine and cried and cried. I haven't cried over you in a long time Hoban Washburne and I didn't think I had any tears left. It's little things that set me off now it seems but i'm able to pull myself back together quicker.

After wiping away my tears I went and had a stern talking to with the crew, warning them away from spoiling Emma rotten. I told them that they couldn't give Emma whatever she wanted simply because she asked especially at her age. They seemed contrite enough but at dinner that night I caught Cobb sneaking a very sulky Emma a piece of chocolate.

I don't know what I'll do with those overly doting aunts and uncles, I suppose I should be glad that she has so many people that love her and that she has so many people to call family. I didn't, at least not for a long time.

I guess I'm being just selfish, here our daughter has so many people raising and loving her but the one person I wish was here with me to raise and love and discipline her is you. It's been over four years and I'm still mad that you never got to meet our smart-mouthed little girl. I know you'd probably be laughing behind your hand when she talked back to me or would be giving her tips on how to drive me up the wall. But that's what I want.

But I can't have that.

Now, I'm going to go tuck our daughter in and have a very firm talk with her. Then I'm going to read her a story and kiss her goodnight.

All my love,

Your Zoe

* * *

**Author's Note: **

**Part 2 has two different letters! **

**-LittleMoonLover-**


	3. III

**Year 6**

* * *

My dearest Wash,

You are not going to believe what Mal did. Over the past year I've been preparing to move onto the planet Ariel so that Emma could begin school when the new academic term starts. I'd bought a little home for us with the money I'd saved up and completely made up my mind.

Well Mal decided that he didn't want to be away from us and that he was going to fight tooth and nail to keep the crew together… so the idiot went and bought and overly expensive house complete with a docking station so _Serenity _wouldn't be far away. When I asked him where he got the money all he said was 'business has been good' in his mysterious way. When I asked the rest of the crew they replied in the same manner completely infuriating me. My guess is they all pooled money so that they could be close to Emma and I.

Speaking of Emma she is completely fine with this development. I think she was upset that she was going to have to move off of the spaceship in the first place. School didn't sound nearly as interesting as exploring space with space pirates. Though the pirating part is no more, Mal decided that since we were all exonerated from any crimes that we committed that we would have a legitimate shipping business called Reynolds &amp; Co. Which is an entirely stuffy name for what we've got.

He now ships within the area of the Union of Allied planets, which is an entirely boring line of work if you ask me. But he assures me that it will be safe around Emma if she ever wants to come a long.

Emma is convinced that she wants to be a pilot when she grows up, she spends most of her time following River around and incessantly asking her questions until the woman gets annoyed with her and Inara or Kaylee or I have to drag Emma out of there so River can calm down. I don't know if she truly wants to be a pilot or not Wash, but I honestly hope she doesn't want to be a pilot. It's a dangerous line of work and she is so smart, she could do anything she wanted to-she could be a doctor like Simon or a scholar or any one of those things. I don't want to throw dirt on the profession, after all you were a pilot and you were the best man I ever knew. But you also died as a pilot. I don't want that fate for our baby.

Anyways, on a more cheerful note Kaylee and Simon have finally decided to tie the knot. It took them long enough. It never seemed like the right time, what with everyone zooming from one end of the galaxy to the other. But Simon has finally accepted a position at Saint Lucy's-that big fancy hospital that we one broke into-and it seems like everyone is setting up roots here to be around Emma and I. They'll be getting married in a few days. I've been so busy getting everything in the house all unpacked and following Kaylee around as she shops and plans the weddings, she wants a big one and Simon is not one to deny her anything, that I haven't been able to sit down and realize that we are all actually putting down roots.

It's crazy to think about Wash. After all of the craziness of the the past ten years I can't believe that our family has reached a sense of normalcy. Well as normal as we can get at least, River still does sleep with her eyes open sometimes and that never gets any less creepy.

Emma will be starting school in a few weeks, I can't believe she's five years old. Time passes so quickly Wash and sometimes I fear that I'll forget you or your voice, or the way that your eyes would light up when you looked at me. It terrifies me, but then I look into the eyes of our daughter and see you in them and I feel immediately better.

All my love,

Your Zoe


	4. IV

**Year 7**

* * *

My dearest Wash,

It seems that Simon and Kaylee are expecting their own bundle of joy. Kaylee has the worst morning sickness that I've ever seen and my own morning sickness was no walk in the park, you know what they say about awful morning sickness too. Maybe twins are in the new couples future, serves them right too I can't tell you all the times I've walked in on them having sex.

River is excited, though she's had a rough year herself. It's been very calm and River doesn't do well with boredom. We've been trying to give her things to do but there isn't much she can do. Mal gets paid well to ship things for the wealthy but jobs are still far and in between so River spends most of her days out by the cute little stream behind my house sketching or learning how to play more instruments and things of the like. Last week she asked me what pilot school was like hoping that I'd asked you before you died and I couldn't tell her.

It gave me pause though, because you and I told each other everything but I couldn't seem to recall a time when we talked about your days as a trainee. I know of your favorite memories there but I don't think we ever talked about the logistics. I'm almost scared that we did talk about it and i'm just forgetting the small details about your life which terrifies me more than anything.

I voiced my fears to Mal and Inara and they were quick to comfort me but they didn't have any advice for me. After all, they still have each other and have never gone through losing their significant other.

I ended up pulling out that ridiculous photo album that you insisted we make, I usually pull it out on Emma's birthday so that I can show her pictures of you-so that she'll know what you look like-but I felt the overwhelming need to look at it. I sat and flipped through it for hours, looking at all the pictures we took together. You really were obsessed with taking pictures that year after you found that old camera at the flea market. There are pictures in this album ranging from formal group pictures to a shot up Cobb's nose. It's not the most traditional album but it's all I have.

I put the album away just before Emma got home from school and proceeded through my day. I've been getting better and better at not letting myself get caught up in the funk of missing you. It makes me proud of myself.

I have to go now, Emma just got home from school and I have to go make sure she does her homework before going over to Mal's to play with some new video game he and Cobb bought.

All my love,

Your Zoe

* * *

**Year 10**

* * *

My dearest Wash,

I can't believe it's been ten years since you've been gone. Our little girl's ninth birthday will be in a few weeks and she wants a space party, and as a present she wants to go up in Serenity for an a crossed galaxy trip during her summer holidays.

Ten years. Wow. When I talk to most people about losing someone they say that time will heal everything. But I don't believe that. Yes it doesn't hurt anymore, but at the same time I can still feel the edges of where you used to be. Time doesn't heal but it changes the way you feel. I still catch myself turning to tell you something or turning to meet your eyes when Mal says something ridiculous. Can you believe it? It's been ten years since we lost you and I still act like you're right here with me.

But I suppose you are right here with me. I'd like to think you are watching over our overly mouthy daughter and watching over our friends. I've never been one to believe in God, but if there ever was a God to exist in these vast galaxies I'd like to think that he'd let you peek in on us from time to time.

Everyone else is good. Great really. Kaylee and Simon did end up having twins, just like I thought, and now they have two very rowdy little boys who never give their mom and dad any peace and if you can believe it Kaylee is pregnant again and she is praying that it's a sweet little girl like Emma. Of course Kaylee doesn't have to deal with the majority of Emma's tantrums but I can appreciate the sentiment.

But what's the most surprising thing that has happened in the last few years is that Cobb has actually found a girl. A bonafide sweetheart of a girl if I may add. In fact this girl is Emma's third grade teacher, Miss Deidre. I never thought I'd see the day that Cobb would be completely smitten by a lady who doesn't scare the bejeezus out of the rest of us (we still haven't forgotten a girl by the name of Raven who inexplicably tried to rob us blind in the night). Everyone has given them their stamp of approval. Even Emma, who is the most picky about Cobb's girlfriends since she and Cobb have been close ever since she was born, is ecstatic. The couple is already even planning to get married this winter which is surprising enough, Cobb says that he's waited this long to find the woman who completes him so why wait.

That did put Mal and Inara in the hot seat though, they've been together for ten years now and haven't gotten married yet. I worry about them sometimes but I guess marriage isn't right for every couple. They're happy enough-they still fight like cats and dogs-but they love each other that much is true. But that didn't stop Emma or the little twins from asking them when they were gonna get married.

Sometimes I feel like such an old woman when I see all of our friends paired off. I don't think I'll ever remarry, it's not something that had ever crossed my mind until I sat at a dinner table surrounded by our family and realized that I was set a part from all of that happiness that they felt with their significant others. I haven't felt that sort of connection with anyone since you died, it's almost as if that part of me died with you. I don't know. I don't think about it as much anymore, Emma is so active that I don't usually have time to dwell on it. She has several lessons to go to in a day-she couldn't decide on just one hobby so she's doing several and weeding out the ones she's bad at. I laughed when she told me this because she's just like you, she doesn't like dwelling on the things she can't do. Instead she moves on and excels at the things she can. She's amazing.

All my love,

Your Zoe


End file.
